When is too much too much?

Recently my son (M1) transitioned from a small primary school to a large all boys school.  He is in grade 5 and is loving it.  Mostly.

Academically and sports-wise he is being challenged, and this is great for him.  It is one of the main reasons we changed schools.  He needed more boys to test himself against - in all aspects of his education.  He is certainly getting that.  He has made some new friends, mates, some of which will hopefully develop into lifelong friendships.  Hes made sports teams and is in the band.  All great stuff.

Overall he has settled in very well.

Trouble is, there is a price.  Commitment is hard and it takes a toll.  He is tired.  Exhausted.  To the point he has been crying those horrible exhausted tears because he doesn't know how he is feeling.

And of course there is homework, sports practice and band and trumpet practice. And homework.  Did I mention that already, the homework?

 

I was cradling him in my arms the other night while he cried. Not tears streaming down his face but those tired sobs where your bones are just seemingly aching from the weight of it.

We talked about his commitments, and how he could give something up if he wanted to.  The thing is he actually wants to do more.  He bounced out of bed the next morning saying it was basketball try outs.  And he couldn't wait.

Sigh.

How do you explain to a 10 year old boy about bone tired and exhaustion?  This  is likely to be his normal now for the next, oh 15 years.  Isn't it?  Is it?  How do you explain about balance and exercise and life and how he can stop and do less when he sees you trying to do it all.  All the time.

I soothe myself with the answer he gave to this question the other day.

Me:  "What do you like most about your new school?"
M1: "That there is other smart kids that are like me.  And the sports.  Getting to play sport for the school".  

This, was music to my ears.  Finally he has other kids to be smart with, play sports with, play music with, without being labeled.  The reason we changed schools.  At least we got that right.

So, now to figure out the balance.  How much is too much?

Holidays....All about Regrouping

The school holidays are here - well halfway over really.  Hooray to holidays!

No rush in the mornings to get the children dressed and ready. 

No school lunches to make.

No "come on, come on, come on!!!" to meet the deadline of the dreaded school bell and work deadlines.

Ahhhh... you can almost feel the shoulders relaxing as I write this.

I am spoilt, my husband is a teacher, so the holidays for me actually mean handing over the reins to him while I go off to work... nice.

Reflecting back on my year, it has not been quite what I wanted it to be.

I am still struggling to be on top of some things. Some things I have managed to conquer. 

So I am going to use the break to plan.  To breathe.  To re-energise.  To re-group.

I am pleased to say that I have managed to address some issues.  I had some wonderful mentoring sessions with a great friend.  These helped me clarify some of the things I needed and wanted to do and "fix" in my life.

We have had great family times together.  Hubby ran the 10k Brisbane Bridge to Brisbane a year to the day after undergoing open heart surgery.  He continues to heal, inspire and amaze me.

My baby girl commenced "big school" and excelled.  She made friends, learnt to read and generally loved the experience.

My Mr 10 year old continues to amaze and astound me with his intelligence.  Yet, somehow, generally he keeps his ability to mix with everyone and be a gentle, friendly soul, always willing to help teach, inspire and lead.  Still also love his sports and is now a blue belt in Hapkido.

There were sad times too - two of my very dear friends split from their partners.  Devastating.  But seemingly becoming more and more common.  A sign of the pressures of modern times or just more accepted now to admit defeat????

All in all 2013 has been kind to us as a family.  I personally may not have made the progress in some areas of my life that I would have liked, but I feel like I am in a good place now.

My word(s) for 2014???  Commit.  I commit to the things I say I will and want to do.

Slow.  I will try not to rush my children and family through things.

Present. I will try and live in the present.  And learn to breathe before I do anything.

The Technology Balance

Do you struggle with the technology balance?

I read something on facebook today, a poem about a "Mom" always on her iphone.  It resonated with me in many ways.  The mum was busy,even at the park, checking her phone.  She missed seeing her little girl twirling in her skirt.  She hardly acknowledged her little boy showing off his latest climbing achievement.

Today, after reading this poem, I realised I really am not present enough with my children.  

This mum could be me.  But not any more.  Enough.  In a strange coincidence, just yesterday I uninstalled facebook from my mobile.  It was completely sucking my time up with, basically complete *crap*.

 Our home has always had access to technology and therefore so have our children and I have always struggled and felt conflicted about what amount of time is an ok amount of time for them to spend with technology.  Part of me says they are exposed to too much of it.  The other side of me says but this is the world they are growing up in.  This IS their normal.  How do you strike a balance.  How much is enough?


Being a working Mum is a struggle at times, especially when you are trying to finish some of your required hours at home.  I know I am guilty of collecting the kids, giving them afternoon tea while I open my laptop.  This is not acceptable.  So I am going to make changes.  They will be hard, even though they should be easy.

When M2 asks me to sit next to her, or play with her, I will try my best to.

When M1 wants to tell me about his Bakugon (man, how I loathe these), I will try my best to listen and see his enjoyment from this.

All too soon their childhood will be gone.  I don't want to be left wondering what I was doing throughout it.

Affirmations

Do you use affirmations?  I have always been interested in these, even though the idea of them sounds a little, out there.  Louise L Hay who is a great believer and proponent in affirmations has written many books on the subject.

I have started to use three affirmations, each day as I am waking up.  I say them over and over in my head, gently trying to rouse myself from sleep. 

I am strong and capable
I am enough
My body will thrive with exercise

I repeat them, in my head until I can wake up enough to get out of bed and face the world (or more honestly, my ever enthusiastic children).  They (the affirmations) are not changing my world, yet. but they are giving me a mental focus.

I am strong and capable
Sometimes when I look around the mess that is my house with the ceiling that needs painting, windows that need washing, ironing and folding up etc etc, I feel completely overwhelmed and powerless.  The above affirmation is to remind myself that if I reflect, I am indeed extremely strong and extremely capable, of many, many things.


I am enough
I blame this on the "yummy/super mummy" culture we all live in.  I never feel like I get enough done, exercise enough, prepare good enough food.  But my kids think I am (mostly) awesome and my husband still loves me after 20 years.  So I must be doing something right?


My body will thrive with exercise
 I am really trying to get back into some kind of exercise routine, and this is going ok, but the focus to lose the weight gained over the last 12 months is disheartening.  I am hoping focusing on the positive image of my body "thriving" on exercise, will help me with my determination.

I say these affirmations through the day (always in my head - does that mean I think them instead??) when I am losing focus or just need a minute to "breathe". 

They are working... a little.

Learning.....

Today I am grateful for learning, in all it's forms.

I love seeing the enthusiasm in my children's eyes as they learn how to do something new.   Sometimes this is through me as a parent showing them, sometimes they are inspired by their teacher.  Whatever has sparked their eagerness is ok with me.  To see the desire and joy on their faces as they improve is just priceless.

I have also been doing a lot of learning about myself. We are often our harshest critic.  I have learnt that it is ok to try things, fall down and get back up again.  I love that I am slowly learning to understand that I have flaws.  I have learnt to accept that some of my flaws can be improved, fixed if you will.  Also, some of them are just what makes me, well, me.

Sometimes in life it is so easy to focus on the small details we forget the big picture.

Everyday when we get up and go through the motions that make up our daily life, we are doing ok. I think we sometimes forget the wonder that kids get from learning their multiplication tables or discovering they can read the word "the". 

The challenge of the daily grind, the hassle of homework, school lunches, working etc is tiring.  But try and allow a little wonder into your adult view point again, and enjoy learning from your children's point of view.  Be grateful you can be part of the experience.  Linking up with Village Voices and 52 weeks of grateful.

Round and round and round

Sometimes I feel like my life is just one big roundabout.  Never quite knowing how to navigate it, and hoping you take the right exit at the right time, without being wiped out, run over or beeped at!

Each time I make a promise to myself, whether it be about exercising, eating, drinking, the house, whatever, I stick to it for a couple of days and then the walls come crashing down.

Is it self sabotage??  This is a key question you are asked if you do the Michelle Bridges 12WBT.  Are you  your own worst enemy?   Do you ignore the small jobs because they "won't make enough difference"?  Do you go to the shops when you are feeling grumpy and it is almost "wine o'clock" just so you can buy a bottle when you are not really wanting or needing it?

I do and more.  Some days are great, I am totally on top of everything and am one of those "I don't know how she does it" women.  Other days I really don't even like my own company.  These are the days I then head to the gym or out for a walk and try and "get my head clear". 

Now, to my friends reading this.  I. AM. OK.  REALLY!  I am just suffering from what I term, "post crap year hormonal and emotional turmoil and realisation".   Quite a mouthful, huh?

You see it has all finally hit me, and I have finally agreed to let it sit with me for a while.  So sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed and sometimes I feel just great.  It's a tricky world.

How are you finding 2013???

Happy Valentines Day

Near You

'Neath velvet cloth of night and shadows,
my heart confessed its thoughts to the wind.
I could feel your smile from a distance
with the touch of your closeness profound.

The sun reached behind a fading sky,
so the moon could take its proper place.
Day to darkness, brightened by the stars,
leaving upon the blue waters
a shimmering portrait of your face.

You, with all your savoring sweetness,
tenderly pierced the walls of my soul
as you wove a new tapestry with
the golden threads of your hope and love.

Yesterday you offered me courage,
today you endowed me with your strength.
Every moment together, a gift.
Every day a celebration of life.

How lovely the music of your heart.
You are the air I breathe, sound I hear
and the spirit that gently moves me.
I don't wish for the moon, I have the stars.

- Orania Hamilton -

Signs

Do you believe in signs?  

Because, this week, I think I just may have been metaphorically slapped in the face by two of them.

Both on facebook.

One person, a celebrity.  

 One person who is an acquaintance.

Sometimes it happens like that.

It takes hitting the bottom to make you sit up and realise what you need to do next.

Two people who bear no relationship in my life have just stood up and "told" me to stop wandering around in the wilderness and step up.

Now I think about it, so did Mandy over here.  She doesn't know it.  But I do.

Every time I read her blog, something speaks to me.  I feel like we are kindred spirits.

I have been wanting to make changes in my life for a while now, but didn't have the strength to do so.  And that was not for lack of supporting people, great friends and the knowledge to do it.

I was great at making excuses and extending deadlines.

Finding more reasons.

But they have now stopped.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

2013 is going to a great year.

Slowing Down.....

We did not go away for a holiday this year (2012/2013 Christmas holidays). It seemed too hard to plan.  The uncertainty of where we would all be and what we would be doing was too great.

So instead we are enjoying a "staycation".  That is, we are staying home and enjoying doing day and half day trips.  Waking up in the morning, sussing out the weather and then just deciding on what to do.

So far we have:

• Visited Southbank
• Enjoyed a trip to the Science Centre
• Gone to the beach
• Tried Rock Climbing
• Walked/Scooted from Kangaroo Point to Southbank (and back again)
• Visited the local pool
• Watched the 9pm fireworks with both kids  - I know, how amazing, lol.

And as and added bonus, none of these places have cost us entry fees!  Of course they have included ice creams or coffees or both, but the kids are loving it.  The lack of rushing about to make sure we enjoy every second of being "on holidays".  The relaxed mornings are so much nicer.  We all wake and have breakfast - not necessarily all together, but when we need.  Eventually the beds get made and we change out of our pj's.  We have all be slowing down.  

Slowing down and enjoying that we have no "need" to "do" anything.  Slowing down for a time is so important.  No just for grown ups, but for the little people in our lives too. They also need time to recharge and just "be".  Down-time as such.

Sometimes in life we get so caught up in the rush and desire of what we think kids want, we forget what they really want is simple really.  

Our kids want us.

Our time - just for them.
Us to play with them - not tell them "in a minute".

Our undivided attention - just on them.

Us to stop and listen - to them, directly.  Not while we are sending a text or facebooking.

I try and remember this daily, but like anything it is hard to do.  

But it is so important to these little people.  

I am grateful that over the past three weeks (yes even including Christmas) we, as a family, have had time to relax, slow down and be together.  

To stop and read books, have backyard picnics. We have played board games, backyard cricket, fairy memory match and UNO.  Watched the cricket, probably watched way too much tv in general.  

But we are on holidays and like all good things, this time will be over soon, and the rush will set in. 

So for now, I am grateful for staycations, reading and the slow, lazy days of holidays.

Linking up with Maxabella over at Village Voices for 52 Weeks of Grateful.

2013.... what I have learnt already.....

So the new year is almost one week old.  So what of it.  I have not made resolutions, why bother with something that is only going to make you feel bad.

What I have decided upon is some words to base my life around.

Consistency.  Routine.  Happiness.

2012 was a tough year, but it taught me that I can handle things.  It taught me that my kids can handle things.  It taught me to live in the moment and enjoy things for just what they are.

It also taught me the importance of consistency.  I needed to be consistent for my children.  I needed the consistency in their life to continue when mine and my husbands life was in turmoil. 

I needed the consistency to provide them with the things they relied on.  Consistency.  I like this word.

In 2013 I want it to have a new meaning.  I want it to mean that I can be consistent in looking after me.  By exercising consistently.  By eating well consistently.  By doing the best I can, consistently.

And I also want routine.

Routine, in so far as my family knows what to expect. 

That my kids know that on Monday it is library day, or sports day .... you know what I mean.

Routine and consistency.  Together I hope they bring this family happiness.

Happiness brought about by the pure simpleness of life. The simpleness that is found in consistency and routine.

Happy 2013.

A Heart Full of Love....

"A heart full of love... " that is what the song says in Les Miserable, and the song that keeps playing over and over (and over  and over) in my head.

And that, at the end of 2012 is what I have to be grateful for.

My heart, as battered as it may feel right now, is FULL of love.

Love for my husband.

Love for my beautiful, individual, different, eccentric, annoying and "can't live without you" friends.

Love for my beautiful, happy and healthy children.

Love for the end of the year.  2012 has been "bit of a year"..

My heart is full of love. And for that I am truly grateful. 

Thanks Maxabella... for your 52 Weeks of Grateful project.  I may not have been here every week, but I look forward to seeing you next year.

Sooz xxxx

Time to Enjoy - Grateful for Rest

Finally, my working year is over.  Hip, hip hooray!  I need not open the dreaded "work laptop" until next year.

No more saying "sorry, Mummy has to work" .

A small respite from the early starts.

A break in which time I can relax.  Slow down and enjoy the holidays.

After what the world can only describe as a traumatic week, I think it is time for everyone (who can) to take a moment and find the "happy".

Here is some of my "happy" from this week so far....

This week I shared "bubbles" with my boss to celebrate a very busy year at work

My husband received the final "all clear" from the doctors.

Mr 9 had a friend over to play and then we went to the movies.

Miss 4 made and delivered Christmas cards to all her Kindy friends.

Miss  4 finished Kindy.

We looked after my BFF two beautiful girls so she could go Christmas shopping.  This made us all happy,

I have re-discovered Les Miserable, and still love it just as much.

And I could list more.

Lucky for me, I have the time to rest, relax and enjoy some happy. I hope you all do too.

Linking up with Kidspot for 52 Weeks of Grateful.

Grateful for Crying (yes crying!)

This week I am grateful for Crying.  Yes crying.  It can make you feel so many things.

Sometimes, as a woman the only response to something is to cry.  I feel like I have been crying for months. I am an emotional type person.  I am actually grateful for this, this crying epidemic that has been going on.

I have cried with happiness
I have cried with pride
I have cried with despair
I have cried with anger
I have cried with guilt
I have cried with tiredness
I have cried at what might have been
I have just cried

Crying is good for the soul.  It lets all that pent up emotion out and literally wash away, wash away down your face. Very therapeutic.

I cried while watching my beautiful Miss 4 graduate from Kindy earlier this week.  Complete in cap and gown.  Ridiculously cute.  She did this after starring in the Christmas play.  Her lines?  "There is no room at the Inn.  You will have to sleep in the stable.  Can you hear me Mummy??"  Beautiful, and tear inducing! "Why are you crying Mum" Mr 9 asks.  As I was unable to speak, hubby replies to him "because she is happy".  Try get that through your head at age 9. 

Mr 9 just nodded and looked at me strangely, then snuggled in to give me a cuddle.  He understood me.  He didn't understand why I was crying, but he understood that I needed some comfort.

I have the most wonderful and understanding husband in the world. Followed very closely by some wonderful girlfriends who understand me and let me cry.  And of course, my beautiful children.

Don't be afraid to cry.  It actually is very good for your soul.  Although, I hope I do a little less of it in 2013.

Linking up with 52 Weeks of Grateful.....

Riding the Rollercoaster

I've had bit of a week (year).  It has been a really emotional one for me.  Hubby went back to work full time.  M1 finished Grade 3.  M2 graduated from Kindy.  M2 has been sick.    M1 has struggled with headaches.  And I have felt all the emotions from joy to despair and everything in between.

I said in a previous post that I life is a roller coaster and that I was going to throw my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.  Well, I tried..... and somehow this little family has come out ok.  Tired, but ok.

Sometimes life is like that. Everyone is tired. We all need the end of year break, and thankfully it is not long to wait now.  We are all ready to kick 2012 to the curb and be done with it.

December, this is when I start to reflect and plan ahead.  Think about what lessons I have learnt (that is a whole different post!), and during 2012 there have been plenty of them.

Already I am planning my routine for 2013.  I don't believe that a new year is a magic pill for a happier or easier life, but I do think it provides a focus point to start with.

My life will be very different next year.  Both my beautiful children will be at school full time (sob!) so I will have some more free time on my hands.  I have a feeling this will fill very quickly.  My working hours are already getting a bit trickier to manage.

It's time to bring more sunshine into our life.  To bring more spontaneous "happy moments".  These are the things the kids love.

So for now to feel a little melancholy is ok.  It's all part of the healing and regenerating process.  

I hope you are all ok out there.... thanks for listening to me during this year.

Back soon with what I have learnt during 2012.

Grateful for my children

Today I am grateful for my children.  That they are with me, close by.  

That I can cuddle and kiss them whenever I want to.  

That they are 4 and 9 and not 17.

That each night they are tucked up in their bed, safe, secure and exactly where they should be.

I am grateful that they still have innocence and wonder.  

That to them a good times is fun with friends in the back yard and staying up later than 7.30pm.

So today, I am grateful for my children. 

 That they are alive, happy, healthy, cheeky and here to drive me insane.

Linking up with 52 Weeks of Grateful.

My hands are tied....

I have a very good friend.

My BFF actaully and she is in dire straits.

And I don't know how to help her.

She has two beautiful girls - almost 4 and 18 months.  They are both just gorgeous, but like any kids at this age, tiring and exhausting and funny and demanding.  And all the rest.

She also has a husband suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  He served our country in the middle east and is now paying the price.  The price for our freedom.

BUT... she is struggling.  I think she has PND.  She is dying inside and desperately trying to keep her head above water.  Hubby is no use to her at the moment.  He is on medication and having counselling, but progress is very slow.  Extremely slow.  Really, really, really slow!

They have just bought a house.  A renovator.  A renovator on a massive scale.  They have no wardrobes in any rooms.  No dining area that is clear to use.  No vanity top in the bathroom.  All this with two girls under 4 and a husband that thinks fixing speakers is more important than getting the house or kitchen tidied up.

She calls me on the edge  and we talk.  I offer what reassurance I can.  We have all struggled at times.  But she is dying inside.  Doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

How can I help her??  My insides are screaming that she should get out.  But where would she go?  Who am I to say she should leave.  But she is dying inside.  She can not be the mum she wants to be at the moment.  She can't devote herself to her girls like she wants to becase, essentailly she is living in a war zone.

Please, tell me how I can help her....?

Challenge Time!

I just read a post by Mandy at A Little Space Like Home and it was like she had just read my mind.

Today I am starting on a journey for and with my kids.  I don't wish to say too much, but let's just say it involves all of us becoming the best versions of us.  

It will be hard at times, but lead to such a great place.

Wonderful memories and rememberings will be had and made.

The experience getting there, which will be led be me will be difficult at times.

 

But we are all ready for the challenge.

Here is to the next phase!

Awake to a world of possibility

Today I run the last official "event" for work for 2012.  After today all the stressful bits are over, at least for a couple of months.  After the event finishes tonight, I can officially breath a sigh of relief and think "wow! somehow I did all that!".

Excellent.

Because now I am becoming awake to a whole new world of possibilities.  There is change in the air for this house.  And I think all of it good.

Next year Miss 4 goes off to "Big School".  She is mostly excited about this.  Today she is doing a fashion parade at kindy to show off her uniform.  All the children get to do this.  It is an amazing place, the kindy she goes to, and the fashion parade is all part of getting them ready and excited about the  transition from kindy to school.  How awesome is that.

Next year also means I will have an empty nest.  Yes, both my "babies" will be at school.  That leaves me with TWO WHOLE DAYS at home. Just me.  What to do, what to do, what to do???

I know they will fill up quickly with housework, shopping, school involvement etc but I am grateful I have the opportunity to do this.  I love being involved in the lives of my children and seeing the pride and happiness it brings to their faces.  Just love it.

Next year we are also talking about putting an extension on the top of our house.  We started looking around to buy, but the truth is we both love our deck and back yard, and we are not sure we can replace this.  So the idea of an extension was born.  Again, another possibility.

So right now, I feel in a pretty good place.  My husband is healthy again and back at work part time.  Both my  children are happy at school/kindy.  I mostly like my job.

So, here is to the next phase, which seems full of possibilities.

Grateful for ... Being Needed

What a great thing... being needed. 

  How much do you love the hugs you get when your kids throw their arms around you when you collect them after a day at school?

When they say 'I want my mummy'  or just come up and say "I love you mum".  

Seeing their faces light up like that really does make those harder days worthwhile.

The unconditional love of a child.

It really means everything, doesn't it?

My Miss 4 is especially affectionate and demonstrative.  She is always telling me she needs me.  Always saying "I Love You Mama".  I wish I could bottle this stage of life she is at.  

Anything is possible in her mind.  She is counting down to Christmas AND Easter.  

All with that magic sparkle in her eye. She believe in fairies, and playing fairies is her favourite game.  She wants to be a Ballerina when she grows up. 

This year she "graduates" from kindy.  

At the ripe old age of 4.5 she gets to wear her first "cap and gown" and have an official graduation.  It almost makes me cry just thinking about it now.

 

My Mr 8 is also affectionate, although I am no longer allowed to give him a kiss if I am wearing lipstick.  Doesn't want the evidence left behind. My time is running out.

I love that he stills runs up to me at the end of a school day.

Feel lucky that if he hurts himself (not the hurting part, obviously), he still wants to snuggle up next to Mum.  Even if he is trying to be very brave.

At the moment he is obsessed with archery and sword fighting.  The the world of rangers and Robin Hood and the Three Musketeers. Oh to be 8 and have the biggest concern being where to find more feathers to tie onto the end of your arrow.

His world is changing, and in some ways he needs me more then ever now.  He is slowly entering the stage of life when he is no longer a little boy, but doesn't want to let it go.  He needs me.  My Miss 4 needs me, her world is changing too.  Off to "Big School" next year.  She is exited and brave and scared and reluctant at the same time.

So here is to being needed, and a reminder that, even though our kids act brave and tough and resilient they still need you.  Still need you to be there and listen, listen, listen.  Cuddle them, kiss them if they let you, and if you can, sneak in a lipstick kiss on their cheek.  

Thank you Miss 4 and Mr 8 for needing me, believe it or not, I need you both too.  More than you will ever know.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yesterday was my birthday.... the big one, 40!  

And I loved every moment of it.

I was woken at 6.15am by Miss 4 coming into my bedroom saying "Happy Birthday Mama",  dressed in the party dress she had already chosen herself and, 

what we call her, "clompy" shoes.  Just beautiful.

 

 Joined soon after by Master 8 bounding into the bedroom, 

not to be left out of the celebrations.  Presents and cards exchanged.

What a great way to start a day!

The rest of my day was spent eating, talking, drinking (only a little bit) 

and receiving lots of lovely text messages.

Truly wonderful.  The best birthday ever.  I was surrounded by family. 

 Happy, healthy, loving family.

Made me realise that family truly is everything.  

How lucky I am to have mine all around me.  

I hope they stick around for the next 40 years.