Friday, 6 April 2012

Where's my mojo gone?

I seem to be in a bit of a writing rut.  I have lost my mojo if you will.

My blog is one of the things in my life that is truly just for me.  My hubby knows I write one, but doesn't read it - bit to stream of conscious for him (he was never a SATC fan either).  But each time I sit down to post - nothing!

I have read some great posts by all the usual suspects these last couple of weeks and two have really stuck with  me.  Daisy over at Daisy, Roo + Two and Bron, at Maxabella Loves

Daisy, my heart broke for you reading this.  Tears were literally rolling down my cheeks. 

I have been blessed with two healthy children, but even in that time, both have been admitted to hospital.  M1 (who is now 8) was only 9 months old when he was admitted with Rotovirus.  The doctors had to hold him down while he was screaming to get the drip in. They would not let us be in the room.  I stayed in for 3 nights with him waiting for him to get better. The doctors told me I should not breastfeed him because he was getting everything he needed from the drip.  That lasted about 4 hours until I thought "screw that".  He wants his mum and that's what he can have. 

I have also watched him be "put to sleep" twice - just for simple ear operations, but NOTHING  prepares you for seeing you child lying there lifeless - eyes open.  Tears still coming now as I think about it.

Beautiful M2 (now Miss 4) has also had the experience of being "put to sleep".  The panic in their eyes as the cry, scream and look and reach for you while a stranger holds a mask over them is gut wrenching.  Again, I still cry recalling those images.  She had a double hernia operation (before she was 1)  and is all good now. Scar not even visible.  I breastfed her as soon as I was allowed near her. Comfort she wanted and this, only I could give her.

Heart surgery - imagine watching your child have to endure this.  They can't understand.  And they might not survive.  You are their only "normal".  And to think some parents have the gall to suggest to these parents, that they "might like the extra attention" that comes with such a terrible thing.  My blood boils.  Daisy, how you have not punched them I don't know, and if I ever get to meet you I will throw my arms around you and say YOU AND OSCAR ARE THE BRAVEST PEOPLE I KNOW.

Then there was Maxabella, about wishes.  She is absolutely right.  Her post inspired my own moment of clarity because she is absolutely right.... only YOU can be accountable to YOU.  And until you do, stop whining and wishing for more because what you already have now is probably pretty damn awesome.  And if it is not, then man up, take some responsibility, make a plan and get on with it.

Anyway, maybe my mojo is coming back.  Maybe I just need to be more me and stop worrying about everyone else.  My husband tells me I try and do too much (what working mother doesn't?).  Maybe he is right.  But I want to try and do it all.....

Where has my mojo gone?  Why did it go away?

If you find it, please send it back to me.

Sooz xxx

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