Friday, 28 October 2011

Meltdowns lead to Rainbows

So I had a minor melt down this morning - over the stupidest little thing (it always is).
Why does this happen?

Lately I have felt like I was finally enjoying my children and the happiness
they bring into my life. 

Then all of a sudden BANG! 

A tidal wave hits me and I feel completely knocked off my feet and unable to cope.
  I don't know why this happens or how to fix it.  It makes me want to say, what M2 would call "cold, prickly words".  Mostly I stop myself, but sometimes the words tumble out before I can stop them.  This makes me feel worse.

 I read yesterday about bullying.
How it is like crumpling up a piece of paper and then
smoothing it out when you say sorry.  It is a great metaphor.
The paper can never be the same, no matter what you try.

This is what cold prickly words would do to my children.
They cannot be taken back.
Yes children are resilient, but how much do they remember?
How often can they forgive you?
How do you forget the hurt and confusion in their eyes?
How do they?

I left for work without saying goodbye to my children.  And guess what?
Karma came and bit me on the bum big time.

M2 had to be collected from day care because she was shaking, vomiting and had a fever.  BAZINGA!  Someone up there was telling me to get over myself, suck it up and move on.

I am a strong person, and I love my children.  Sometimes, they just push my buttons.

  So today I let myself cry. 

I cried because I am tired.
I cried because my husband made a stupid joke when I really needed him not to. 
I cried because my BFF lives too far away. 
I cried because I know when I collect M1 from school he will run up to me and hug me, look up at me and smile and say "Hi Mum" with unconditional love in his eyes.
Like he always does.

I didn't actually say anything "cold and prickly" to my children, although I did have a good vent to my husband (who then made the bad joke).

I have realised that over the past 3 weeks, I have enjoyed more moments than I have disliked.  I am getting better at recognising and controlling my emotions. 
That I am human.
That no matter what, my children love me, and I love them.
After the rain comes a rainbow.  Shame sometimes it takes a cyclone for you to see it.

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